Thursday, 14 July 2016

Better Single than waiting in the Shadows - Being the Other Woman

The world has always been fascinated with the concept of adultery and cheating. While considered taboo in most cultures, one cannot help but admit that it has become a prevalent part of society. This is where the so-called “other woman” comes into play. Many cannot help but be drawn to the fascination surrounding her.
Society is quick to label these women with such derogatory terms, such as “whore”, “slut” or even “home wrecker.” She becomes a modern day Hester Prynne, exposed to shame and forced to wear the infamous “A” as a blatant reminder of her involvement in adultery.
Unless you are or have been the other woman, it’s nearly impossible to really appreciate what it’s like. It’s right up there in terms of difficulty as, say, climbing Mount Everest with flip flops. It’s not done easily and no one can understand why you would want to do it. But you do, and you can’t help doing anything else. 

I’d like to address some of the stigma around it but first cover some basics around this sensitive subject. 

It’s not fair

From the beginning of time, men have found themselves in predicaments that put the woman in the middle. Men seem to be given a free ride when it comes to relationship mistakes, having more than one partner, being in love with the other woman, and pretty much doing whatever they want. Women aren’t able to glide so gracefully under the radar. 

If you do anything that is out of the norm, you’re either burned at the stake (figuratively, of course) or socially shunned from your friends and family. What a man can get away with, a woman can’t even speak out loud for fear of public shame or ridicule. It will remain that way until you step out from behind the shadows. 

So, instead of looking up love quotes about being the other woman, or wondering if married men love their mistresses for real, read on to truly understand the psychological truth of your situation and the world around you. The thing is, the world is not going to change overnight. And I know your motives aren’t based on some need to destroy another relationship or marriage. 

You didn’t ask to fall in love with someone
who’s with someone else. 
For some of us, we were always in love with them, waiting for the right time, or they left us for another, we still love them though. It never stopped. It doesn’t stop either. Love is not limited to whether or not the person that you want is with someone else. Love doesn’t fit into any box that I know of. 

So, is it wrong?

Is love wrong? If it’s love, then why does it have to be this hard or have to come at the expense of someone else's happiness? It doesn’t. Love is not defined by your situation or someone else’s. It wasn’t a choice that you made either. 

It happened, despite your best efforts, despite your morals, despite your upbringing, despite every single one of your friends telling you otherwise, here you are. You CANNOT stop loving this man. You cannot stop thinking, does he love the other woman? And you just CANNOT give up on him. But he’s married/engaged/dating someone else. You tell me, is love wrong? If love is not wrong, then neither is what you are doing. 

waiting Shadows


You may have a timing issue. Meaning that what you feel is right and it’s true. It’s destiny at play in every way. But the TIMING is not yet right. It’s still too soon. There is more for him to do on his end before he’s free to be with you. 

I like to reference Jacob in the bible. A simple man who fell desperately in love with Rachel. He even worked seven years as more or less a servant to her father for the right to marry her. But he was tricked into marrying Leah instead. Rachel waited 14 long years for Jacob. She was technically the other woman.

Timing has nothing at all to do with
feelings, expectations or what you think should happen. 

Time runs its own course. Does not answer to anyone and has the tendency of slowing down as you pay attention to it. It comes to a dead stop if you stare at it. Just because it’s true, it’s real and it’s meant to be, does not mean that it will and should happen in a time that works for you. As long as it’s true, it will happen. Just don’t obsess over the right timing! Have a relaxed relationship with it. 

The Invisible Woman

Everything that you do together, if you see each other is hush hush. No one can know anything. He has his reasons. And you understand most of them. He is afraid of his wife to find out he is cheating on her with you, and he prefers her to you. When he is with you, he picks her calls and speaks lovingly to her in your presence(what a heart ache for you?), meanwhile when he is with her, he rejects your calls or when is forced to answer he either shouts at you to stop calling him for he had told you that he was married and at times even gives the phone to his wife to insult and say nasty things  to you, and when next he meets you, he already has a heart soothing balm of lie for your aching heart. It does nothing to help with the lack of validation or the fact that you can’t share any of your happy or sad times with your friends. It will get to you. Managing this aspect of your life will be tricky. You are going to get hurt. 

The lack of validation alone is enough 
to drive you over the edge. 

Never mind the waiting, hoping to hear from him. This is not something that you do if you have a choice. You do it because you know that you can’t do anything else. You can’t help how you feel. You are the invisible woman.

Timing Part Deux

I know. Sick of talking about timing already. It’s there though. If you knew how long it would be, you might be discouraged. If you knew he would never leave his wife for you, despite all his lies and promises to do so, you would not wait for something you will never have. He is building his home, and u are graying and aging waiting for eternity. He might even push you to a pregnancy, where you child will be termed a bastard tomorrow, just to selfishly tie you down for no reason.
You might not even want to wait around, if you ever knew your waiting will be crowned with disappointment and frustrations.

The greatest struggle is in not knowing.
It’s in not having any real idea of when and how.
But if you’re in it, you’re in it to win it.

You didn’t get this far by giving up or having a weak constitution. You fought to get this far.You’ll have to keep fighting. The truth is that you may not know how much longer you have. Even if you think you do, you might be wrong. Until the time is right, it’s wrong. Until things have to happen, they will not. That doesn’t mean that you're waiting for nothing. Far from it. 

Every day, every moment has a deeper meaning. There are a million intricate ways that we are tied and connected to each other. Meeting when you did, as you did, connecting when and how you did had a purpose. 

That purpose was not so that you could and should be together immediately.
Your life, your relationship, your journey together is not just about being together. You both also fit into a greater destiny. One that you’ll both fulfill, when the timing is right. 

Nothing stays the same

Time changes everything. Seasons change, people change. So must you also change. The question is whether or not it’s for the best. Experiencing being the other woman is going to take a toll on you, emotionally and physically. 

You have to strive to a better version of yourself,
to keep growing and evolving. 

Tell it to me straight

It’s not wrong. What you’re doing and how you’re feeling is not wrong. But the world at large will not understand. Not in our lifetimes, if ever. You’ll have to be cautious who you share this with. 

waiting Shadows
Friends and family can be helpful, to a point. But very few can really appreciate it for what it is unless, of course, they’ve been through it. The trouble with that, is that some who have experienced it also gave up part of the way. In giving up, they are left with regrets and very bad memories, having felt like they’ve wasted months or even years. The biggest hit tends to be towards their ego that hasn’t yet recovered from having submitting themselves to that situation to only be seemingly left out in the cold empty handed. 


They are wrong. Plain and simple. No one can nor should attempt to discourage you from a love that you feel in your heart of hearts to be true. Especially if you’ve already gone through all the motions of losing your marbles over it. Seriously, it’s stressful! Let no one steal your joy. Let no one’s failures be projected on your own life. 

Being the other woman and waiting in the shadows
is NOT a permanent situation. 

It’s a temporary part of your journey. A dark one. But very much a temporary one. There are only two options. You give up and call it a day. Chalking up the time lost to experience. Or you PUSH ahead, knowing that everyday brings you a little closer, knowing that this is not all for nothing, that there is a rainbow at the end of this storm. That the darkness has to give way to light eventually. 
But you must quit being the one behind the curtains. Stop being the one in the dark, no matter the comfort and materials he provides you, his life is somewhere and someone else. You just his toy of pleasure, and you only have you when he wants, spends time with you when he wants and talks to you when he wants.

What about you my sister? When the night is dark and cold and you have that frightful nightmare, can you call him at midnight to come cuddle you up when he is with his wife? When you can't sleep and feel to hear those lovly words that can cheer you up can you talk to him instantly when he is with her? Will you ever answer your child's question why his or her dad is staying apart from you and why he or she cannot the dad as often as needed?

Sisters we have been into it. We thought because we were more beautiful and civilized than the one he calls his wife, he would leave her one day for us. We rejected opportunities of being happy with available singles, and imprisoned our lives for  greedy men, who might not even have only you as the other woman. 

How long will you wait for what will never be yours? How long will you bear all those names like husband snatcher, home wrecker , slut etc... when you can just make up your mind, wipe the dust off your mistakes, put a new cloak on, dye your gray hair caused by waiting and thinking of when the right time will come, and embrace the world with all dignity. 

We have bee there, it took us years to heal the wounds and make up with people we hurt while we were the other women, but today, I personally write in all freedom, after feeling pardoned by the universe and the Almighty God. And I think it's time to share my errors to lend a helping hand to my fellow who are into what I used to be.

Remember these if you decide to be the other woman:
  • You are the “dirty little secret
  • You have to deal with loneliness.
  • You have to deal with the stigma of society.
  • You have to play the “waiting game.
  • You become the “meantime girl.
  • You live on “stolen moments” and “borrowed time.
  • You are guilt-ridden.
  • You are not a priority.
  • You tend to “idealize” the relationship.
  • You have an expiration date.
"If someone is willing to cheat with you, they will cheat on you. As much as you hate to believe it, you are no exception to the rule".

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